A Series of Unmentionable Events
by MazokuTenshi
Summary: Each Captain encounters an enemy that no one can counter... Laxative. CRACK. Beware of nonsense and words not meant for the weak-hearted. Next up, Soifon of the 2nd division!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Well… I suddenly had an idea of making all Captains have an encounter with the dreaded… laxative after staring at the ceiling because I was unable to sleep.

Chapter one; First division.

"A…ah, would y…you like some tea, Y…Ya…Yamamoto S…S…Soutaichou?" A nervous 7th seat shyly asked.

"Thank you…"

"H…Hanatarou, sir."

"Ah, thank you Hanatarou." The aged Captain smiled, his eyes crinkling, as he gently placed the cup in front of him. Turning to Unohana for an impromptu talk on the patients, he waved his hand to the young boy, respectfully shooing him away. "You may go now, Hanatarou."

"H…Hai! T…thank you sir, I'll… b…b…be leaving now…U…Unohana-taichou."

"Alright, Hanatarou-san. Thank you for your time." She smiles gently, her gentle voice relaxing him and he bows, leaving in a somewhat hurried pace.

"Oh! I need to give one of the patients their…lax…a…tive." His eyes widen as he looks at the tray in front of him. A box of tea leaves and a box of laxative; the box of tea remaining closed, oh shit. _I…I'm sure... he…he…won't t…think it's…m…me. _He shakily tells himself as he breaks into a run.

~*~*~*~*~

"Tch, calling us for a meeting. He ain't even here!" Kenpachi snarled, crossing his arms as a sign of irritation. He was busy beating the crap out of his men, and he was enjoying it too!

"I'm sure he has a very reasonable explanation." Ukitake nervously stood up for his superior, but in all honesty, _he_ was also annoyed for being disturbed from his daily candy giving schedule.

"Eh, maybe the old man fell asleep again." Shunsui tips his hat as he gives a chuckle, he remembers the time where they were all summoned to find the old man sleeping; they had to wait a full twenty minutes before he woke up, and another ten to remind him that no, they were not in his room for no reason.

"I have no time for this nonsense." Mayuri tells himself in utter annoyance, although muttered softly, everyone in the room heard it and had to agree. "I have more important things to do." The others once again nodded in agreement. "My experiments are still waiting to be _castrated_." A pause. After looking at each other, the others, as if thinking the same thing, decided _not_ to have heard that last one.

"Eh, what the hell, Kurotsuchi?" Kenpachi raises his eyebrow and he stares at the smaller man in front of him. Well, no one expected for him to keep silent. "I didn't know you swing that way."

"Shut up, you imbecile." Golden eyes stared back, teeth grinding together as he said the words. "Or do you want me to do it to you."

"Eh, a weakling like ya'?"

"I have no plan of dealing with this…old people arguments." The young prodigy sighed, his green eyes closing and his hand rubbing his temple in frustration. He was probably more mature than them, he thought, no, wait, he _is _more mature than these, idiots. "I'm going. I have paperwork to do."

"…" Soifon and the Kuchiki noble said, or thought, no one really cares anymore, in unison. The ninja only stayed because she didn't like her lieutenant and his eating habits and decided that she would stay unless asked to leave. Byakuya was a different story. Since being apathetic meant that he didn't see much amusing things, save for Renji and his antics, he was willing to stay if things would get more interesting.

Komamura, who was just standing there and doing nothing, silently wished that he was with Tousen right now. This _must_ be a _reason_ as to why he left, all the idiocy of this all was too much to bear. Looking over to the gentle woman in front of him, he could see her smiling; her eye twitching in such a way that it can't be noticed. Locking eyes with each other, they both understood what was not said and quietly left.

Soon enough, everybody left one by one. Ukitake chasing off to look for Shiro-chan while holding a hoard of candy-presumably hidden deep within his robes. Shunsui _ran_ to the nearest bar, hiding from Nanao at the same time. Kenpachi, being his usual flashy-blood thirsty and homicidal-self chased the poor scientist out, screaming rude-you fucking little asshole, wait 'till I fucking get a fucking hold of you, you ass! I'll tear off that fucking _imaginary_ dick off you!-sentences. Apparently, Mayuri had _tried_ castrating the 11th Captain with his sword and ended up nearly cutting all the spiked hair off-how that happened, no one knows. Soifon muttered a few curses before disappearing in a flash, leaving the Kuchiki alone in the huge room.

Needless to say, it was an amusing meeti-

"Ah, Kuchiki-taichou. Where is everyone?"

Byakuya looked at the man standing beside him, his eyes betraying his shock for a second. "Yamamoto-Soutaichou."

"Ah, I was… held… back for awhile."

The younger Captain stared uncaringly-OMG, is that a tissue hanging of his sandal- at his older companion. His violet eyes widening for a little bit as he realizes, that yes, that is a piece of stray tissue hanging from the General's feet. Coughing, Byakuya asked a question he knows he would regret, "Soutaichou, what were you doing?"

"I was talking with the porcelain god." He stated calmly. Albeit _too_ calmly, Byakuya thought to himself, his mind wandering, seeing if he knows someone described as such. His eyes widened and he stared awkwardly at the man in front of him. Smelling a bit of air freshener in the air, he made a decision to leave. Now.

"Soutaichou, I must go now, I have paperwork to finish."

"Ah, yes. While you do that, please tell me later as to why no one came to the meeting. They would get the punishment they deserve."

"Hai." He hurriedly-as hurriedly as a noble would-walked to the door; not bothering to mention the thing hanging off the old man's sandal.

Needless to say, it was an amusing meeting.

One that he would love to forget, _really love_ to forget.

Well… how was it? Next up, Soifon… LOL.


	2. 2nd division: Rendezvous

Soifon and her rendezvous with… the 2nd division's meeting with the dreaded drug! Have fun folks! This is my first time writing a Yuri, if it can be called that, so I please ask for your forgiveness if it's sorta' awkward… Hope you have fun…

It was a normal day in Seireitei. The Soutaichou was busy sleeping, Unohana was currently nursing bruised and saliva coated 11th division members, Byakuya was successfully ogling his lieutenant without being caught, and Mayuri was busy with-only god knows what-his experiments. And, the 2nd division lieutenant was busy eating Komamura's weight in snacks.

"Ohmaeda."

"Yes, taichou?"

"If you do not have anything important to do here, get out. Or I'll kill you." Soifon's voice appeared to be dead serious. No pun intended.

"Ha…hai!" he shakily replied, grabbing every snack he can manage off his table, and quickly dashing outside.

Soifon sighed and rubbed her temples. She didn't mean to sound mean, okay, maybe she did, but not _that_ mean. But she was feeling a little nervous about his rendezvous with a certain ex-commander in the real world, it clearly wasn't _her_ fault. Looking around her office to see if she was alone, she skipped to her desk and pulled out a deadly weapon. Um, I mean, a deadly stuffed cat that strangely resembled a certain shape shifting woman. Giggling softly to herself as she hugged the toy to her chest, she gave a rare sweet smile that could only be seen by the privileged few.

A few more sweet hugging minutes past and Soifon, after finally realizing that it would almost be half an hour, let it go and returned it to its-makeshift bed-inside her drawer. Coughing, she takes out a piece of paper and a brush and writes down a simple note. Looking beside the ink stand, she was surprised to find a cup of tea on her desk. She smiled; it was very thoughtful of her lieutenant to leave her a cup. Taking it gently in her hand, she frowned that it was not hot, using a bit of kidou, she heated it and drank it with one swift gulp.

Soifon placed it back into her desk and took out a device she had ordered-or more likely, forced-from Mayuri and activated it. It was one of the few portable portals created by the 12th division; it was also the first one to be used. Not surprised by the screaming sounds she heard as a door opened, she stepped through and was gone in a flash.

"Oh… my stomach hurts…"

A few seconds after the Captain's disappearance, her lieutenant came stumbling in, his huge arm holding his stomach and the other leaning on the doorframe for support. Looking frantically around the room, he was relieved to see the tea cup sitting still on the table, it seems to be untouched. Walking ever so slowly, for dramatic effect he told himself, to the table he saw a paper lying around and picked it up. He read the lines over and over again, and after letting everything sink in, let his eyes bulge.

_I'll be out in the human world for a while. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, and I don't want to see any crumbs on my desk either, I'll kill you. I'm serious. Don't tell anyone about this rendezvous, or I'll kill you. Again, I am serious._

_And I deeply appreciate the cup of tea you left behind, it was delicious._

_2__nd__ division Captain, soifon_

"Oh fucking damn." The plump man's hand let go of the paper, letting it flutter to the floor. Letting his eyes slowly descend on the empty cup lying in front of him, he screamed. Forgetting about his current stomach ache, he held his head in his hands and paced around the room. _Oh hell, Taichou's gonna kill me! I knew I forgot something, damn! I shouldn't have left my laxative behind! And if she finds out I ruined her date with that cat thing, she'll kill me! Damn! She'll kill me, twice!_ Glancing around the room suspiciously, he felt his stomach rumble and rushed out of the room. _First, I'm going to the 4__th__ division, second… I'll get rid of the evidence before she comes back!_

Meanwhile, in the real world, our dear Soifon was having the time of her life.

"Look! A ferries wheel, let's go Soifon!" an over-excited Yoruichi laughed heartily as she took Soifon's hand and led her to a small carriage.

Soifon merely blushed, and nodded. Once they were alone together, Soifon stared at the woman in front of her, feeling very happy about their date. They had decided to go on a carnival by Yoruichi's suggestion. It was getting dark too, and she had the best time of her life.

"Soifon."

"H…hai?"

"You look very pretty, even if that is your Onmitsukido uniform."

"A…ah, Arigatou…Yoruichi-sa…"

Soifon's dark eyes widened when Yoruichi's face stopped an inch from hers, her red face turned redder and she felt herself stutter. Before she could say anything any further, Yoruichi threatened to close the gap and leaned teasingly closer, and closer. Their lips met, and she could feel herself melting, her hands came up Yoruichi's shoulder and touched her violet her softly. The older woman put her hands around Soifon's waist and…

At least, that was what was going on Soifon's mind. But seeing as we are talking about Laxative here, there won't be any happy endings for a while.

As Yoruichi's lips grew closer, Soifon could feel the butterflies in her stomach. But suddenly, the butterflies started fluttering around faster and it started to hurt. Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she leaned back and closed her eyes. Yoruichi sensing that something was wrong asked if she had food poisoning. Soifon's closed eye twitched, her idol had a knack for ruining an already ruined moment.

"I…I need the bathroom…" she managed to gasp out loud.

"Alright then! Hold on, Soifon!" She shouts in a knightly way and carries Soifon to her arms, kicking the small door open; she stopped and realized that they were already at the top of the ferries wheel. Without a moment to waste, she jumped down, chuckling to her flashy self when she heard screams.

"Dear lord, she jumped!"

"Somebody save her!"

"She's carrying someone else!"

"Awwww… they're dying with each other!"

"…"

Thinking that getting mobbed by the police and strangers was not going to help, she managed to disappear from the sky with an excellent quick step. Helping Soifon in front of the bathroom stall, she chuckled to herself when Soifon won't stop apologizing through the cubicle. Soifon sat on the toilet, and stared at the tissue roll, silently kicking herself for ruining the date. And after a few more apologies, she started to sob.

"O…Oi."

"I…I'm sorry…"

A chuckle.

"Nah, it's alright. That was the greatest date I've ever had."

"Re…really?" a soft voice replies from inside the stall.

"Hell yeah. And if you're done, I'd like to make out with you."

"O…oh." Soifon turned beet red, she was glad that everything turned out alright, but she also hated-loved-Yoruichi's bluntness. She smiled, and made herself comfortable within, the, uh, walls. And if someone was to walk in at that very moment, they would sure stop at the strange scene-a tanned woman _peeking_ at a stall- and would run out screaming.

And while she was still in the bathroom, in the middle of their date, Soifon can't help but feel that yes, this is the greatest date ever. She looked up and smiled at her currently peeking date and flashed her the best smile she could muster.

"Thank you, Yoruichi."

After this date, Soifon silently curses inside the bathroom; she'll kill her lieutenant and revive him, then kill him again.

And maybe, she'll kill him for the third time, just to make sure.

…Well… we have Gin coming up next. I just couldn't bear making Soifon's first date with Yoru-chan be a bad one, I just… can't… I'm not an avid fan of Yuri, but YoruSoi is just so…sweet! Hope you like, and tune in if you want to see the Gin Ichimaru get what was coming to him!


End file.
